Fear of All Things Bureacratic

I have a scholarship due next week, and need to write, but can't write at the moment. There are times when I am really motivated to write, and can create some really great things, and times when I can't. I'm hoping that motivation, or that muse of mine turns up sometime before next Friday, when it's due; otherwise, if I'm not in the mood to write, I don't want it to turn out so crappy.

I haven't really been able to concentrate on anything lately, though...not good. It could be that the little things that bug me are just piling up, and the lack of control with anything that is going on ticks me off. I think I have a fear, because I have seen how one thing in our life affects everything in our life. Just one little thing can have that effect. And we had no control over it, and need to find ways to live as normal a life as possible.

And today, I went to see the community college. I am soooo ready to take some classes. It's driving me insane that I have already taken a year off of school, and seeing my friends in school, and hanging out with them, just makes me want to take classes. For some reason, I was scared to go talk to the counselor. I think it's just because I've had really bad experiences with talking to school officials and not finding the resources I needed. I hate bureaucracy, and I guess that is what I fear the most, because I am finding that that is preventing me from doing so much.

Like, because i cannot take out any transcripts from my school, I have to explain it to every scholarship I apply to. Some respond and say yes, you can still apply, others say, sorry, we need to see an official transcript, and an unofficial one won't do. Others say, sorry, you must currently be enrolled. Or sorry, I see you are considered a freshman, but you must be an incoming freshman. Then there was one scholarship that I asked if I could apply for even though I was not Latino. Sorry, we are looking for Latinos only. And sometimes, I don't bother to e-mail these scholarship funds, because they look too good, and I meet every one of their qualifications, that I'm afraid I will get another rejection before I even apply. But still, I am glad that there are scholarships out there who have let me apply, even though I don't meet one of these requirements I had no control of. But still, for those scholarships who deny me before I even apply, it hurts, because I couldn't control these little things, and there are already very few scholarships available to us.

And this is why I was scared to talk to counselors today. i was afraid that after the one hour wait, they would say something along the lines of...Sorry, this is an unofficial transcript you brought in, and we can't let you in those classes you want because you need to show us an official. Thankfully, this isn't how it went, but it still wasn't a perfect visit.

So I go in, I show them my unofficial transcript, but because the quarter system doesn't work so smoothly with the semester system, it would have been a waste to take my chemistry and math requirement there. I decided I can enroll in physics, since I haven't taken any physics classes in my life. The counselor looks at the prerequisites, and said I met them, and so cleared that for me, although I sign this thing that says I will mail my official transcripts later...hopefully, I find a way to work this out. Then she sends me to the computer to apply for my school ID number. When I get home, the counselor e-mails me and says that she has already okayed my request to take physics for the summer and all I need to do is register online. One problem I realized: I have a hold, and now must see the Residency Office, of course about my status, before I can register in classes. Now this makes me mad, because there are already only 10 spots in the class, and I'm afraid I won't get in. I couldn't just go back to the college, although it's like 5 minutes away, because the bus plus walking plus waiting takes 30-40 minutes. Then there's the wait time when I'm in there, and the possiblity of the office closing because it would have been after 6pm. If only...I could drive, right?If only...a lot of things in life.

So now, I must wait until tomorrow, and hope the residence deputy does not bombard me with more bureacratic things, that will continue barring me from registering ASAP. She'll probably just make me sign an AB 540 affidavit thingy.

Again, no plan. Just hoping the best works out. It just seems like all little things in life seems to be the ones that is delaying my life, especially all things bureacratic. I just need to tackle these problems one step at a time, I guess. As with all things in life.