Life as an Undocumented Student

Sometimes, like right now, I do not know what to feel. I am extremely happy with some aspects of life, and extremely sad with other aspects, and extremely scared about what will happen in the future, and I try to remain calm when I can't do anything about it.

Well, there are some things I am worried about: school starts on August 24th, and I'm excited and dreading it at the same time.

Going to school makes me happy. That's just how it's always been, even in high school. I like being sleep-deprived from school, and studying a lot, even though we all complain sometimes, but we all know we want to be there, or else we wouldn't even bother going to school. I'm a little worried about this semester though. After taking my first summer classes, and taking it with more of a feeling like an undocumented student (which I didn't have this feeling before because I lived on campus meaning no buses, and I didn't have strings attached to me like I do now living at my relatives' house) it was pretty hard. It wasn't too bad, but I realized how much one hour trips to get to school was really tiring me. I started taking naps in the library before taking the bus home. I am really worried about not having a pc though, and hoping my teacher won't give online hw this semester. I had online hw due about every two days, and there's no way I could have gotten such a good grade if I could not work on it at night. I am worried i would not be able to pull it off...especially when i'm planning not to buy my books. maybe I should buy my books then.

I'm dreading going back because the place where I live is driving me crazy, and staying there just depresses me, and reminds me too much of my undocumented status and lack of control of my independence. I am sick and tired of the apathy in there. I'm really dreading this part...especially when my uncle was pretty mad at me the last night I was there....yikes, I don't want to go back at all.

There are some things I need right now:
--buy my books, but thinking of not buying them. I've pulled it off before w/o any books, I'm hoping I can do the same, and so I will wait until the first week of class.
--a new pc, because my laptop died on me the week of summer finals :( , but I don't think I can get one any time soon, so I will probably will make do without one this semester.
--buy a bus pass.
--I need to move out. I think that is the only way I can stop this chronic anger inside of me that stresses me out while I am in that house. Nothing I do can completely take my mind off how angry I am, even when I try to study more vigorously, or listen to music, or read.
--start paying off a debt with my other school so that I will be able to go back once I finish my GEs.


Financial worries are starting to bug me. My parents just paid over $300 for my classes, and I know right now is an especially difficult time for us. My mom was laid off a few months back, but she got a job and I'm glad she likes it, but pays less. My dad went to a different state to work and was supposed to be gone until November, but he was able to come back home early, and was only gone for about a month and a half. He might go again in October, but I don't want him to go because he worked 15 hour shifts, and I have a feeling it is harder than he says it is.

Part of me is guilty. I don't like being the helpless being that I am. I'm too shy to ask my parents for more, because I know they will try as hard as they can to give me what I want, when I know they can't. I hate this feeling. I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to get a job. I don't have an ITIN, and I looked at the application, but I don't know how to fill it out, since I don't even know all the details about my status...all this immigration talk about our status is still taboo in my family.

I sometimes feel like a complete failure. I am sucking more than other undocumented immigrants at life. I must be doing something wrong, because I fail at finding a way to get a job. I lived a sheltered life. And I complain about stupid things that I know I shouldn't be complaining about. I never thought of my status not once until I was 18 years old. And even then, I ignored the problem, and did not believe it really was a problem until things were spiraling out of control. It took a while to accept the facts, and I feel like I wasted time. And still continuing to waste time. Sometimes, it is still hard to accept the facts, and I just want all this to be over. I don't think venting is doing anything anymore. Crying doesn't do anything either, once you've overused these things, it starts losing its healing powers.

There are very few things I want, and why oh why, is it so unreachable? I just need my independence and my freedom. I need to be able to go to school w/o these worries, and just be a normal college student. There are so many things to think about already without this added burden. I don't like all this useless worrying that could be gone in an instant if only our legislators would care more. It's so unbearable. I am pretty disappointed with President Obama postponing immigration until next year.