New at Blogging

Hello...Well, I haven't really introduced myself, and blogging is actually really new to me. I don't really think I'm the blogger type, but we'll see if that changes. I initially started it because I wanted to blog about how my life changed when I found out I was undocumented, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet. The memories of finding out, and the pain is still so fresh, and I'm only still trying to find healing, and trying to make sense of the world.

But I'm keeping this blog to keep up with other DREAMers, because it's the only way I am finding healing, and actually feeling a community that I don't have to hide from. I hate lies, and I feel like I'm lying to everyone about my status. How do I explain that I don't drive? That I don't work? That I don't go to school? I honestly don't know what to say, and that in itself feels like a lie. I just want to tell people the truth, and speak out about this injustice, but I know I can't readily do that with all of my friends. Only a few know about this. To all DREAMers who blog, I thank you, because we don't know each other, but you are helping me heal, and helping others heal, and to me, that fact is amazing. It's cool to think about how we are all helping each other. Also, I am trying to document my philosophy and optimism, and fighting to keep it at this difficult time. Because when I was gradually coming to the realization that I was undocumented, I realized that I was going bitter, and that's just not me. I am not hot-tempered, and people don't easily stress me out. I like people. I like interacting with different personalities, and getting to know people. I think people are what make the world so great. But I have realized that ever since I found out I was undocumented, I have some anger inside me, and I am trying to be really careful in not directing it towards anyone, but that's not always the case. I'm hoping, this blog will somehow help me deal with this anger and find healthy outlets for it.

It feels like everything I've ever believed in is suddenly challenged. Suddenly, I'm thinking if there really is more good people than bad. I still believe this is so, and I will always believe this, because I've had a lot of good people in my life, and I have seen people do great things for people. I just don't want to let the word undocumented ruin my life, because I love life. And I need to remind myself of this. No matter how unwhole I feel sometimes, I have to have faith in people, because a lot of people work for humanity, and I must give them credit, and not let the bad corrupt my mind.

Just a little about me: I am....well, I'm not really sure how to describe myself. But I guess you could say that I've always been a dreamer and an idealist. I'm easily fascinated, and hardly ever bored. Seeing flowers make me happy. I'm just that type of person who can have a day brightened by something as small as seeing flowers, thinking about my wonderful friends, thinking of the good in people, eating ice cream, basically, anything I like can make me happy. I like to spend time with people and socialize, but I also like to spend lots of time in solitude. Especially in a scenic place. I get an uplifting emotion every time I'm surrounded by nature. It's very relaxing to me. I spend a lot of time thinking and reflecting too. Self-reflection is important to me, and I really like it. I'm not really sure if this is a blessing or a curse, though, because I sometimes find myself analyzing every little detail, and scrutinizing it even when I find no answers. It can be very annoying, and I don't know why I do that, but I think self-reflection really teaches me to be honest with myself, and that is the most important thing --to create peace within myself, and I get answers to my life motives that way, so it's as much as an amazing experience as a cursed. I am a very introverted type of person, and I am not used to letting the whole world see my thoughts, like what I'm doing right now. Since the seventh grade, I have kept a journal written in code (that I created), because I have always been the type to keep everything to myself. This has changed since I found out I was undocumented, and now I'm realizing that these emotions can't be kept to myself. I have never exposed myself so much before to people, but now's the time to do it, because I have a lot to learn from people.

So, I hope this blog will accomplish these, and maybe, as I get more comfortable, I will be able to write more about my experiences. Thanks for sharing your stories again, DREAMers.