Fear and Anxiety Crisis

Since I found out I was undocumented, I've realized that I've also developed some sort of anxiety towards some things, which I am trying to undo. I took AP Psychology my senior year of high school, and do realize that some of the anxiety and fear is most likely due to classical conditioning, but still, I need help fixing this problem now because it's getting ridiculous.

So tomorrow, I will be going to UCSD partly to visit some of my best friends who are very important to me in my life, and I give a lot of credit, because they have been extremely supportive and helping me heal in this healing process I'm assuming I am in right now.

Last year, was supposed to be my first year of college, but I only completed half the year, because right now, I just don't have the money, and being undocumented just makes it so much harder, as we DREAMers know. To DREAMers who are in college right now, I applaud you! I know it must be so hard securing a job, and going to school, and keeping up with studying and everything, so I really admire you for doing that. You guys deserve so much more.

My college experience, while it lasted, was great, until I entered some sort of depression. I made some really cool friends, and in the short time I was there, two of my suite mates became my best friends. It all started when I entered depression, when I was realizing that funding my education was getting harder and that there really was no way I could take the many jobs my school offered, and thus began my skepticism about the lies my parents told me about my status, and the thought of being undocumented was becoming real, even though I should have accepted this fact my senior year of high school. During this time, everything was too much, and I did not know how to deal. I was in my own little world, and I just didn't even know what was going on anymore, not even in class. I also didn't want to eat unless I needed too, and walking was just becoming a real burden. In fact, I remember one day, I had to go across campus, and this was a 20 minute walk. Because I was so down, I didn't know if I could do it. I was thinking of taking the shuttle, but I thought that waiting for the shuttle would take longer than walking to my dorm, so I decided to walk. I just wanted to go back to my dorm and lay in bed ASAP. Well, I think that was one of the worst walks I had at UCSD, because in the middle of it, I had to stop and sit at a bench, and I seriously just felt like crying, because walking when you feel so sad was just hard. Plus, my campus is hilly--very hilly! I didn't cry, but I was just really holding back the tears. But eventually, I made it to my dorm. I will never forget that walk. And it is experiences like these that is making me have my anxiety. Every time I set foot on this wonderful campus, I remember that hill, and how hard it was for me to climb. When I see the library, I remember studying up there, and looking out at the fabulous view, and thinking to myself how lucky I was to be there because this is not an opportunity that everyone has, but at the same time, I remember thinking how I was going to pay for the required book I needed to buy. It's absolutely horrible how some of my best and worst moments happened in this university, because I love UCSD, and I just hate having that anxious feeling every time I visit, because all the painful memories and its implications just become real again, to a certain extent.

Though being on campus does provoke the anxiety I once felt, and will always be a reminder to me of that gloomy time of my life, I've developed something worst: one of my best friends (at that time, she was the only person I told about my status) incites some sort of anxiety and fear in me every time we see each other. I visit my friends periodically, and I noticed that I always got nervous around her every since I left this great university. I've noticed that when she sits next to me, I don't know why, but my heart skips a beat, or it just beats a little faster, and I get really anxious. I move away from her, and I get a little better. Is this normal???? I know, it's not, but I really need help in undoing this anxiety, because she is one of my most trusted best friends, and I have no reason to get nervous around her. I used to be so upbeat with her, and while we do still talk, I know, for some reason, I have to try harder because there is that anxiety inside that keeps getting in the way. Why am I having this feeling? Could it be because perhaps, just like how the whole school reminds me of the precious and ugliest moments of my life, she also subconsciously reminds me of horrible times? Because, I think, I did spend a lot of time with her during that time. She was the person to realize that something was wrong with me, because I was acting weird during finals week in first quarter. Since then, I told her everything, even though at that time, I wasn't ready to accept the word undocumented. In fact, I couldn't even explain in words to her about what was going on, I actually had to e-mail her my story even though she lives in the room across from me. I just couldn't tell her. The words wouldn't form in my mouth. And I also remember that first e-mail: I waited until my two roommates were sound asleep, then I pulled out my laptop and wrote to her for like an hour in the middle of the night. While I was writing everything, I was shaking and crying. I slept only a couple of hours that night (which actually was quite normal during this time of my life). I think I slept around 4 or 5am that night. This wonderful friend of mine has seen me shake, and break out crying, and she has seen me trying to avoid people. In fact, she let me hide in her room one time, when my roommate was looking for me. I just couldn't deal with hanging out with people, because that would mean I would have to be happy, and happiness that time was hard, even to pretend to be happy was too much. So this girl, she really was great and helped me so much. We talked a lot in this time, and we gave each other lots of hugs. I remember hugging her one time, and my arms felt heavy, and I could barely hug her, because I just felt like I was going to collapse. I remember telling her this too, that my hands were feeling heavy, and I just wanted to sink to the ground. I promise this is not an exaggeration, this really was the exact feeling I felt, which is actually scary to think that someone can really feel so much sadness as to feel the same way as I did. I know this was also a time when schoolwork was piling up, and I look back, and I can't believe how much time she spent with me instead of studying or getting her work done. She just helped me so much when everything was confusing. Though I did finally tell my RA because she really was just forcing it out of me when she too was realizing something was wrong, and at that time, I was just ready to scream, I also e-mailed her what was going on. But after this incident, I didn't tell anyone of this shameful secret I carried until about 5-6 months later ( I do not tell all my friends about me, but I have told about 7 people in total now) . And it is only around now that I am making my way towards peace.

So I ask, am I feeling this anxiety towards her because she is actually the only person in my life who has seen me go through the most horrifying and lonely time of my life? The word horrifying doesn't even fully describe this experience, because there's a lot of things that happened, that even until now, makes me shudder. Does she remind me too much of the past that is still not too far away? I love this friend, and I just want this anxiety to go away every time I'm with her, because things used to be so good between us before all this. She always made me so happy. And while seeing her now after this experience still does make me happy, inside, there is that part of me that feels that same fear and anxiety I once felt, although not to the same extent. But still, I don't like this feeling, because I just want to feel relaxed around her. That is the purpose of being with friends. And why do I have to have this with one of my BEST FRIENDS? To the other six people I have told, though they are all also my best friends and my most trusted, I have not developed this same anxiety and fear towards them. It's probably because they did not see me at my down point, and probably because I told them about me when I was partially healed. Everything is perfectly normal around all my other friends, it is just with this particularly good friend of mine.

Maybe I should tell her about this anxiety. I don't think she realizes that I do feel anxiety around her every time we talk, because I can hide it. Everything is normal when we talk, just that I don't feel completely relaxed, even when we're having a pleasant conversation. There's that part of me that is agitated, just like how I feel when I walk around campus, and I'm trying my best to ignore this feeling.

What do you suggest I do? Are there any other DREAMers, or anyone, that has experienced this? I am trying to figure out if this is a normal thing to feel. Tomorrow, I will see her, and am super excited. And every time I go visit, I always vow to myself that I will not let this odd feeling get in the way, especially with her, because she really is one of my best friends. It's a shame that I cannot be completely at peace when I see her. I would also like to remember UCSD without these agitating feelings also. Is this just classical conditioning? How do I undo these awful feelings toward the two things I love about life: UCSD and my best friend? I hope I will solve this problem soon.

P.S. To DREAMers, this great friend of mine, just yesterday actually, told me that she saw this on someone's facebook profile, and she told me it reminded her of me: Think, Imagine, Dream, Dare, Change. I just wanted to share this random fact with all of you, because these 5 words describe all of us. :)