Close-mindedness Follows Me

I have been living with some relatives for about a month now, and for some reason, the hate and misconceptions I am trying to get away from follows me. The reason why I chose to move in with relatives in this place is because I want to actively do something for the people suffering and in the same situation as me, and basically for human rights. Everyone deserves some dignity and that should never be taken away. Well, though it has been really cool living here, and I like it, and my aunt and uncle are cool, I cannot help but see that my uncle is just as close-minded as some people in my conservative town I lived not too long ago.

My uncle is quiet by nature, but today, my uncle gave me a pep talk about being careful about the organizations I join, and it just made me mad. He gave me this talk because tomorrow I am meeting up with some community organizers to learn more about that org I'm thinking of joining. While I've been here, I thought it would probably not be a good idea to openly tell them that I am fighting for immigrants' rights, because I think my uncle hates undocumented immigrants. Though they know that I am involved in the pro-migrant org at my school, I only tell them that we are fighting for education for people like me, because they do believe that I should have access to school right now. I honestly don't know what my uncle thinks I am, though. I think he likes me, but he hates what he calls "illegal aliens". I think he has that idea in his head that illegal only means Mexican and lazy ( I STRONGLY disagree with this belief). He knows that I don't have my papers, then why does he care about me, but hates the people suffering like me and think of them as disgusting? Makes me really really sad inside. One thing that made me kind of nervous inside though, is that he said "I gotta be careful and not go to any rallies, protests, and that organizations just use people to get what they want, but they won't care what happens to me when I get picked up by the cops in these events. We live in a messed up world, and no one will care about you because you don't have papers. Even I, who is a U.S. citizen could get my citizenship taken away if I committed a crime, because I wasn't born here. But U.S. born citizens, no, their citizenship can never be taken away." ( I don't know if this is true, about citizenship being revoked, but this is what he thinks and said. Is this true, if anyone reading this knows? Because if it is, that's messed up). He has a very cynical view on organizations and politics. He kept asking me what this group does, and I didn't know how to answer. I didn't want to say imigrants' rights. So I just said social and economic justice, which is true also. But he kept asking how we achieve this, and not knowing an alternative truth, I told him: We try to change public policy and let our elected officials know that we care. He laughed at this. "I can tell that this is already an unsafe organization. Politics is crap, and all the people who are in power are fake, and will never do anything for the people. This is a dog eat dog world. You have to be careful, this might be a group that lies on the left..." Yikes, that last part scares me, because, by nature, I am just liberal.

This week, I am also very excited to go on a trip to learn more about lobbying for support from our elected officials on any issue. We were talking about this trip a couple of days ago, and he asked me if I heard about the cuts that will come into effect. "Yes, I did," I said. "Did you know that grants and financial aid, and high tuition increases will take place?" he asked. "Yes, I did," I said. "Well, whatever you are lobbying for up there, you are not going to get it....And all the young people who voted for Obama, they're stupid, because look, now they can't get what Obama promised them," he told me. This part doesn't make sense to me, because, it's not Obama's fault that this is happening in California, or the economy of the U.S. He works in the national level, if he has someone to blame, if anything it should be Schwarzenegger or the state government, not Obama. I responded to him, "Well, I know we probably won't get it, but it is important that our voice be heard, and show that a lot of people care about this issue." My aunt interjected at this point, "She has a point."

I am not bashing on my relatives, because they are really really nice to me and cool people, but yeah, I sense that they are very prejudiced people because I hear them make comments about groups of people. I am surprised that they are, because, even though they are well-off people right now, they came here as immigrants, and my uncle said that he came from the streets. He should know then, how hard it is for the ignored group to be recognized. Maybe that's why he cares about me. He told me that he was giving me this talk because he doesn't want anyone taking advantage of me, or exploiting me, which he thinks organizations do. I don't know, I'm just sooo confused, about what my uncle means about anything. He's cynical, yet he cares about my safety, but he hates people crossing the border, so why can't he care about them too? Just becasue I'm not Mexican doesn't mean I can't be undocumented. And just because your Mexican doesn't mean you are lazy and a free loader. I just hate how I can't share what I'm doing here w/ them. Really, I can't make sense out of what he means about anything about this, or the theme of his message.

Oh why oh why, am I always surrounded by people who I know won't open their minds, and therefore I cannot tell them of all the great things people do for justice and peace. It seems too ironic that out of all people, my own uncle is just as close-minded as the people I got away from back home. Why does this happen? I'm just trying to live a normal life. And my life to me did seem pretty normal to me, until I found out I was undocumented, and I don't know, it just suddenly feels like, since then, though good things happened along the way, life has been more unpredictable, and no normalcy into it at all. Everything has just been different, and things just keep changing and changing in life. Not all bad changes, some good to it, but still, too much change in my life for me is overwhelming.

I miss my family. I miss my little eight-year-old sister, but when I was there, I couldn't stand not being able to do anything, and just staying in the house, helping out. I felt so imprisoned, though it's not my parents' fault. I just hated how I would help out around the house, and do dishes, and help my lil sis w/ hw, but I hated how it made me feel....I was thinking, this could possibly be what the rest of my life will look if I stay here. So I told my parents I wanted to take my aunt's offer that I could stay in their house anytime. And that's why I'm away from home. But, urghhh, right now I miss them. Oh man oh man, sorry for this blog, I think it's really long, but for some reason, my anger today was triggered after my uncle talked to me. I just don't like all the change that happens too fast for me. I should probably get used to it. Sorry for complaining right now, but nothing feels normal. I hate how I don't have a plan for life, and how my life could change just like that. I know I'm probably sounding really silly right now. But it's just that changes are coming to me fast, and I'm not given enough time to get used to it gradually....I don't know if I'm making sense right now, or why I'm so emotional right now. But I just need to let it out. Maybe it's from missing my family from home. Maybe it's from what my uncle said that really hurt. I don't know....ok, but i should go to sleep now. emotions all out now and said, so I should be fine now. I have no idea how rational this post is because no one is really thinking straight when one is mad, but I just needed to let this all out. I don't know why stupid little things i should just ignore trigger my anger. Good night.